“What’s on my mind is what did I do or say or act that would cause Nadine to go sour on me. I have an inkling and it’s this: A couple of weeks ago while I was in the midst of these challenges happening, I tried to keep a positive outlook about what was happening; not being maudlin or harping on the negative side. Right about this time she and I had been communicating and whenever she would try to talk about people, I tried not to get into it too deep. Usually we would talk at least once a day or at least every other day either about the movie business, dreams, past experiences, and the like. My energy level was high but this particular day the computer was still in the shop and I had no idea what was wrong or how much it would cost; I was also still waiting for the insurance adjuster to get back with me and my funds were low. I didn’t go into all this in detail with Nadine.

I also planned to go over to Hollywood OS to join Monica Cooper Casting and take another picture with the new hairpiece I got. While I was there I asked about signing up for the heard about the Spike Lee cable series. While I was there I was told about the $20 a month deal to join Extras Casting Guild so I did. Before leaving, I called Nadine and told her about it. The obvious riff came when she called me rather upset because neither I nor her friend and advisor, Yvonne, told her that you needed a debit card. I apologized and said that I didn’t think about telling her because it never occurred to me to do so. Nadine went on and on. I understood because I have done the same thing – go off to someone when things aren’t going my way. She stated her time was valuable and I said that time is valuable to all of us. She continued to go on about not working non-union and concentrating on auditions. I suggested that she feel better and I hoped that she would soon get over the events of the day. That was it. I wasn’t hostile or flippant nor accusatory or judgmental.

When I placed a call and asked about the Actors Site it was more than three days when she left a message on my cell very matter of fact, and cool and unfriendly. I was busy but I called a couple of times like nothing had happened because nothing serious had – my way of thinking. Then there was one time when I called and I thought it was the message center on her cell and it said “Nadine’s busy” and the phone went dead. I didn’t think any more of it until today. I called again to talk, today being Saturday and we both had free minutes but she didn’t answer nor return the call.

There – it’s out of my system. Now I can go on with creating my world with or without her. I like her and I think she’s talented and has a lot going for her but I’m not taking the blame for something that someone wants to heap upon me. I apologized for not thinking about whether she had a debit card or not and I’m truly sorry that Yvonne apologized more profusely than I did. I’m through with being made to feel guilty about other people not accepting responsibility.

Like the saying goes, “what we dislike in others is a reflection of our own shortcomings”. If this is true then I admit that I could see the old me in her actions after the fact. I like to think that I’ve grown in that area. And it wasn’t so much that as it was I didn’t want to get more into the pity thing or blaming Extras Casting Guild for having rules on how they run their company. I guess I still got a lot of growing to do. It’s probably best that I not get too close to people of her ilk or way of thinking. This has taught me a lot about people and me.

I’m so glad I had a change of heart with a longtime friend. I was giving all kinds of excuses about why I couldn’t help with the phone tree. Then it occurred to me that this would be a good way to give back for the blessings I received amidst all the events of the past three weeks. I’m glad I did. It opened my heart and I immediately felt worthy of the Love the Mahanta has for me. In this case I was allowing the personality of a Soul get in the way of being of service to Divine Spirit and the community. How small of me. The beauty part of it is that I saw the Kal attitude and turned it around.

The other thing I would like to talk about is my half brother may be calling me. I received a call from a cousin whom I haven’t seen or talked to in quite a few years. During the time we did communicate I was really out there mentally; in and out of the hospital with a hosts of physical maladies too – I was a mess. In any event we lost contact. She was close to my father, her uncle, who has since translated, and is also very close to his son. She tells me my half-brother is an investigator and he located me. In trying to look for me, she checked all the hospitals I’d been in when we were communicating. I must say it was a surprise yet it wasn’t a surprise. I was neither happy nor sad about being found and said it was okay to have him call. When we spoke, he said that he wanted me to know he wants a relationship with me and my sister, and to get to know him and his family. All I can say is here goes another chapter!

Changes are happening and I can’t tell if it’s for the good or not, really. There’s so much I want to do and I’m doing nothing it seems sometimes. I’m trying not to deal in negativity and eliminate those who do nothing but go there, thus, alienating a lot of people. I more or less told my therapist the reason I was seeing her, and I’m sure it didn’t sit too well with her either.
I had an appointment Thursday and I cancelled because the show Strong Medicine asked for me. The receptionist didn’t reschedule me either. I’m still at square one with Social Security Disability payments; my review is coming up soon too. I’m behind in my bills due to the repairs on the car and not working much the first couple of weeks this month. Nevertheless, I stayed focused and I’m not letting it devastate me.

I’m walking every morning I’m not working and I’m getting my house chores done; spending more time just being with my husband and we’re running errands together now. Work has started to come in now but this does not really make me “happy”. I’m grateful for the work and that I love doing what I’m doing; I want to do more service in the field of writing, workshops, keeping people informed about things, sending quotes, letters and cards, and the like.

During the time when I so many things were breaking down, a Christian friend said to me that her take on it was that “I needed new things”. I immediately knew that that was not what I needed. I merely listened and made no comment. I need to more detached, if anything. If I know anything, I know that I certainly won’t be crushed if I lose everything; I’ve been there many times before. I gain, I lose, and that’s my history in this lifetime. I want to know my true vocation I guess. I know my true purpose is to become a Co-worker with God. I desire that more than life!

That’s all I have to talk about tonight. I feel better. I don’t have all the answers at present but, I’m calm amidst the stormy times and I’m determined to meet life’s challenges. I’m open to change, though I don’t understand it and I’m dedicated to being creative (positive). I eagerly try to practice the principles and truths I learn along the way. Thank you for listening and I’m grateful for the guidance. I know you’ll lead me to the truths I need to know to have a smoother journey.”

“Through our experiences on earth, Soul develops t he beauty and grace It needs to become a Co-worker with God.” Harold Klemp, The Dream Master, Mahanta Transcripts, Book 8, page 41

Blessings,

Brenda

One reason we are here is to reach a higher state of spiritual consciousness and live it. One way we can do that is through gratitude. Sign up for a free online e-course “30-Days to a Happier Heart” at http://www.BeeBlessedDaily.com, while you’re there, read my article entitled “Co-Worker”

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